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Hello 'toast'. Thank you for your question. I just want to acknowledge that it can’t have been an easy one to answer ‘on the spot’ but your reply was very good. You were honest with your son and didn't tell him a untruth or dismiss his question which would have been easy to do. I particularly liked how you shared your own hope that his sister wouldn't die for a long time – you gave no promises that this would be the case but simply shared you own feeling which sounded helpful. Also, your explanation of how his sister’s body would probably get too tired at some point was a sensitive and honest reply which answered your son’s question.

It’s good that your son felt able to ask you directly about his sister. It’s often easier for younger children to ask direct questions. Older children can avoid asking in fear of upsetting their parents but they can still think and worry about this a lot. Also, some parents fear telling their sibling child about their brother or sisters prognosis because they feel concerned about the worry and upset this might cause.

However, research (and my own practice over the past 16 years supporting siblings in groups), has shown that siblings cope better when they are told about their brother or sisters diagnosis and prognosis. Children (from a very young age) are very perceptive and pick up on signs and overhear conversations at home even when we think they are not listening. If they are not told openly they may make up their own version of events which could be worse than the reality.

Giving children open, honest and age appropriate information about their brother or sisters prognosis allows them to ask questions and be supported with the feelings and concerns they may have, rather than struggling in silence with what they think will happen. A lack of information and openness can have a negative impact on siblings which can manifest in difficult behaviour, becoming withdrawn or avoiding spending time with friends. There is also the risk that they find out from someone else, on the playground for example, which may lead to them mistrusting what you tell them in the future. They may also feel angry with you for not trusting them with the information in the first place.

Supporting your son with his feelings is important. If you notice he is looking sad then let him know you've noticed: “I noticed you seemed a little sad after dinner, is there anything you want to talk about”. It might also help your son to talk about how you manage your sad feelings when you think about his sister – give an example of someone you can talk to and ask him to think of someone he can talk to when he needs to talk. Encourage him to identify someone at school in case his worry or concern can’t wait until he gets home, and be sure to let this person know that your son might ask them for some time to talk. Your son might also benefit from reassurance that when you tell him you love him, you’re not telling him because he is ill like his sister, you’re simply telling him because that’s how you feel and because you want to remind him how special and loved he is.

I hope this answers your question. Please do let me know if I can help any more. Best Wishes, Paula.