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Hello. My name is Paula. I am a parenting siblings advisor and I work for Sibs, the UK charity for siblings of disabled children and adults. I am here to answer any questions you have about sibling issues and about how you as a parent can support siblings. I can help you with issues such as how to explain disability to siblings; how to give siblings attention; how to help siblings with their feelings; and how to help siblings cope with difficult situations, for example, hospital stays or if their brother or sister has difficult behaviour. I look forward to getting your messages. Please bear with me if there is a delay in responding – I will get back to you!

Hello Ann-Marie.The focus you have given to ensuring that Ben has time to play with his friends is an important support which will benefit Ben, as will the time you or his dad spend with him on his own. You mention that he is too young to express his feelings but it seems that Ben is expressing his feelings through his behaviour towards his brother and he has also shared a feeling about "hating" weekends and home times.

My advice would be to set time aside to talk to Ben about how he feels. Start with what he has told you so far about hating weekends; it is important to name the feeling that he has as this shows him you have understood and accepted how he feels. You might say something like: "I've been thinking about what you said about hating weekends and home times. Let's plan some time to talk about it." Agree a time that won't be disturbed by his brother and when you have your talking time, ask him for ideas about how his time at home can be made better for him. Writing down his ideas on a piece of paper will reassure him that you're taking them seriously. After he has shared his ideas with you the next step is to plan together which of his ideas can be put into action on a regular basis and which need further planning as a special treat.

Another idea which may help Ben to talk about his feelings is to make a worry box. This can be made with a small cardboard box which Ben might like to decorate with stickers or drawings. Explain to Ben that the box is for him to write down (or draw a picture of) any worries or difficult feelings that he has and that you will check the box each day. If Ben puts something in his box then set time aside with him that day to talk about his worry. Again, it's important to acknowledge and accept the feeling that he has and then plan together how it can be resolved. For example, if Ben wrote in his box that he felt bad about ignoring Oliver yesterday, you might say: "Sounds like you're feeling sorry about it. Do you have any ideas on how to sort it?". If Ben seems reluctant to use the worry box you could try posting a concern that you have about him in the box so that he gets the experience of talking about how he feels and being supported with the difficult feelings that he has. For example, you might write: "I noticed that you seemed cross and upset when playing with Oliver this morning".

I hope these ideas are useful. Best Wishes, Paula

Hi Paula, very nice to have you on board. I have a query that Im sure you must have heard many times over; what to say to the sibling when their brother or sister is stared at? My daughter is becoming very upset by the attention her brother receives.

Hello Naomi. You are right - your query is one that concerns many siblings: feeling upset when others stare at their disabled brother or sister. This is also a situation which can often be upsetting for parents too.

I would suggest setting time aside to talk to your daughter about how she feels when people stare at her brother. Acknowledge the feelings that you see she has during these times: " I can see it makes you feel sad and upset when people stare". If it makes you feel upset too then sharing your feelings with her, on this occasion, can help her feel less isolated with the feelings she has: "It makes me feel upset when that happens too".

Helping siblings understand that people stare for different reasons can also be helpful: some people stare because their manners need refining! but sometimes people stare because they are curious. Help your daughter to think of a simple explanation to give to staring onlookers and let her practice her response with you at home before trying it out in public.For example, a sibling who is at the shops with her autistic brother who is struggling to wait his turn to be served might say: "my brother has autism - he finds it difficult to stand and queue sometimes".

Siblings responses can often be guided by their parents response - if a parent responds aggressively then a sibling will learn to be defensive and aggressive in their responses to others when people stare.

Whilst it is impossible to stop people staring, siblings can be helped to feel better by having the opportunity to talk about it afterwards and to maybe think of an idea that can take their mind off the staring the next time it happens: counting upwards and then backwards to 20 can be a distraction or thinking of something good they are going to do that day.

I hope these ideas can benefit your daughter, Naomi. Best Wishes. Paula

Hello Jacqui. I am pleased to hear that you have support for your daughter to help her with her anxieties. The CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service) worker will be able to help determine the cause of these, though your question suggests that you think your daughters anxieties are related to her being a sibling.

Siblings do experience anxieties over different things and at different times – the impact of anxieties or concerns for any child or young person can also depend on what other things are happening in their lives too at a particular time. For example, at the age of 12 your daughter will be adjusting to secondary school where a whole new set of demands and pressures are introduced and have to be managed.

My experience of supporting siblings over the past 16 years has shown me that for siblings, their anxieties manifest in very different ways. Anxieties can present themselves through changes in behaviour or academic achievement whilst for others, it manifests in changes in their emotional health. CAMHS support is not needed for all siblings, but I have known it be a useful and effective support for a number of siblings.

Your concern about whether you could have done something more to help your daughter is a natural concern and reaction. A very real challenge for parents is in knowing where to get support and ideas from, as sibling-specific support is not an automatic element of all disability services. The action you have taken in getting the support for your daughter will be a great benefit to her.

When reading about the nature of your daughter’s anxieties (concerns for her own health) I did wonder about how much your daughter understands her brothers condition. A concern for a number of siblings is an unfounded fear of catching their brother or sisters disability as you would a cough or a cold because they do not understand the disability or condition. Whether her actions are purely a manifestation of her anxieties or whether they are linked to a concern about needing to keep herself healthy in fear of ‘catching’ autism, your daughter, like all siblings, will benefit from being helped to understand their brother or sisters disability. A useful booklet to help siblings understand autism is called ‘Children with Autism. A booklet for brothers and sisters’ by Julie Davies. This costs around £5.00 and you can order it from Nottingham Early Years Centre (tel: 01623 490879). Best Wishes, Paula.