Let's talk about sex!
September 16-22 is Sexual Health Week so we've put together some tips for having 'the conversation' ...
Take it slowly
Don’t bombard your child with a lot of information about sex at once. Be prepared to tell them things again to reinforce the message and help them understand. Make sure you speak to your child at a level they can understand.
Reinforce information
Use as much accessible information as possible. If you are working with a group, try role play, re-capping and asking direct questions, for eg at the start of a new session, ask each individual, "Can you tell me one thing we talked about last week?" This will help to understand if the people you are working with are retaining information, and if you are working at the right pace.
Find out what they already know
As you respond, find out what they already know and understand (e.g. by asking ‘What do you think it means?’). This can then be built upon and any wrong information corrected if necessary.
Safe environment
Create a safe environment when explaining the facts about sex to people with learning disabilities. Make sure you are in a place where you won't be interrupted or disturbed. A 'Private' sign could be placed on the door if this makes the person you are talking to feel more comfortable and relaxed in discussing subjects they may find difficult.
Ask for help
Don't be afraid to talk to your child's school or ask others for help. Many of us did not receive good sex education ourselves at school and it can make things feel much more difficult than it needs to be.
Get your facts right
Make sure you have correct information before giving it to your child. It’s OK to tell them you’re not sure about an issue and you will find out. You don't always have to tackle questions then and there.
Talk about intimacy
If you feel the person you are supporting is ready, do they know about birth control? Do they know about where to get it and how to use it? Do they understand when/where it is appropriate to be intimate with their partner? (This can be particularly significant if living in a shared house). Again, talk about public vs private places, respect and consent.
Appropriate behaviour
Discuss the difference between a public place and a private place, and talk about what kind of behaviour is appropriate in both. For eg, "Is it OK to kiss and hug your boyfriend during a lesson at college?"
Always give them an answer
Even if you find it difficult to talk about certain subjects, remember if you don't give them an answer, there's every chance they will find out from elsewhere ... and it could be the wrong reply.
Share your experiences
You may be uncomfortable, even embarrassed, by some of your children’s questions (especially those asked in a public place!). Remember that this is perfectly normal. You may find it helpful to share and laugh about some of your experiences with friends, perhaps other members of your group, you’ll find other parents know exactly where you are coming from.
What's behind the question?
Check out what’s behind the question (why they are asking it): is it curiosity or does the child have any underlying anxieties?
Keep it fun
Try to make things fun and reduce embarrassment as much as possible. If you are talking about breast checking with a group, for eg, get them to give you as many words for their breasts as possible and write them on a flip chart. That gets all the 'Boobs' and 'Tits' and giggling out of the way and seems to relax people to talk more openly.
Just say 'No!'
Make sure the person with learning disabilities understands they don't need to kiss, cuddle or have sex with someone if they don't feel ready. Remind them they are in control of their body and no one else has the right to kiss/touch them unless they agree to it. Talk about consent. Do they feel confident enough to say 'No' if they are not ready? Practice saying 'No!' using assertive body language and eye contact.
Treat them seriously
Your responses to questions received by young children will lay the foundations for patterns of communication in later years. Treat the questions seriously and make every effort to respond effectively.
Praise them for asking
Always finish discussions by praising them for asking the question and reminding them that you are always available and happy for them to come to you with any future questions.
Share feelings
Remember that children need facts but they also need to be able to share feelings and concerns and to seek guidance in making decisions.
Watch your language
Link the feeling to ‘comfortable’ or ‘uncomfortable’ rather than ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Using ‘good’ or ‘bad’ may make the child feel they are bad if they have an uncomfortable feeling.
Public & Private
Teach the difference between public & private. This can be body parts, places, clothing, behaviors & communication. If you do this at an early age, your child will learn this important difference before puberty.
Take it somewhere private
If your child starts to discuss a private activity in public, interrupt or move to a more private area, so you are modelling where to have these sorts of conversations.
Keep an open mind
Think about your own feelings, attitudes, values and comfort level related to sexuality issues. Try to maintain an open mind when talking to your child about sexual issues. Try not to react negatively to what they say or do.
