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Hi my daughter has a rare chromosone disorder and has general delay. She is 6 and this year her Dad & I divorced (after he had an affair) which has caused a lot of upset. I don't understand how much she understands about breaking rules so when to let her off. She also gets very very tired and then if she doesn't get her way she shouts, hits and throws things. The problem is even when asking her what she wants at this point she still throws things. Her 4 yr old (typical) brother tries to hug her but she hits him. I've tried so many places for support - CAMHS, Social services etc. but to no avail. I do not want a parenting course I want someone used to disabilities to advise me on her specific needs.

Thanks yes I am a member of Unique have been for over 5 yrs, I think they are fantastic. Just issues relating to behaviour I haven't found any help I can actually use. I need to work out what I should be living with & to try to explain things to her. Thanks for replying

Thanks but Ciara can talk and although has global delay the challenging behaviour foundation thought that they deal with people who are affected more than Ciara. They did send me their information pack. I suppose the problem is as a teacher and a helper/trustee of a charity for pre-school children with special needs I don't need general advise I want specific help for me with Ciara. How do I helpher deal with her anger when she doesn't understand. How do I stay calm. How much do I push for behaviour & how much do I let go - I get some people saying I let her get away with stuff but then others saying I'm too strict. How do we deal with it on a daily baises

Thanks Marie I really should try to do that, I suppose I get swayed by people - even my new partner - who thinks I should get her to behave more and not use her disability as an excuse. I don't think I do this, I'm quite strict but she is different than others so she can not 'conform' so easily. I will print out your reply to remind myself of other ways of dealing with it. When I'm ok it's much easier but the last 18months (affair/divorce) have made me so tired, emotional that I have lost it with her and shouted, even smacked, more than I would like to. Ciara doesn't seem to get distracted that easily and when she's tired she will just kick/scream even when asking her what she wants to do - but I must remember to repeat calm down to her. I wish there was somewhere she could go /talk to that would help her understand her anger.

Hi Fairywishes

Just recently joined and reading this thread and it reminds me greatly of the issues I have had with my son who is now 15 but was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was 7. I have found that Tom is a visual learner and the use of laminated instructions about the house have been a great help in enforcing rules such as "no hitting" "no kicking" etc (you could adapt these to the behaviours Ciara is exhibiting). It's a case of sticking to your guns. Also like someone else said above, if Tom has completely "lost it" I also usually leave him in his room to calm down and then speak to him about it when he is calm.

I also wondered if her reaction to her brother's hug is a sensory issue. My son doesnt like physical contact unless it is initiated by himself (and that's very rare). He prefers much more intense physical contact (bear hugs, strong grips etc ... another sensory issue).

I can certainly identify with the dilemma of not knowing what is a trait of our kids' condition and what is just bad behaviour, but after struggling with this I have adapted the stance that if it's not acceptable behaviour for my other children then I have to address it with Tom ..... I do find though that it takes much longer for Tom to process information and therefore perseverance is essential.

Tom also had a couple of anger management courses through the local child psychologist (one aged 7 and another when he was 11) and these provided him with various different possible age appropriate techniques that were more acceptable than physically abusing others and destroying possessions (his and others).

We also instituted reward charts for the whole family with small achievable rewards at the end of each week dependent on the level of adherance to the tasks and behaviour outlined in the charts .... it was extremely helpful that everyone in the family was involved and Tom didnt feel as if he was being singled out.

Hope something here helps.

Josie